


Eggnog

by Lelline



Series: Hot drinks and cold killers [4]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Christmas, Crack, Everyone likes guys that look like santa, Fake AH Crew, Fluff, GTA AU, Heist, Holidays, M/M, Mall Santa - Freeform, Multi, No Sex, Sexual Humor, boyfriend's clothing kink, flannel pjs, geoff likes guys that look like santa, jack is santa, vague attempts at violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-04 11:06:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5331914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lelline/pseuds/Lelline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Fake AH Crew save Christmas!<br/>And by 'save' I mean do a heist. And by do a heist I mean they stick Jack in a costume and make him work in a mall.</p><p>Updates on Tuesdays. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing any adult learned about new relationships was that holidays could be dangerous territory.  
Holidays meant meeting with extended family, following traditions, and giving gifts of affection. All three things were the stuff of nightmares for new couples, with couples being torn apart by judgemental aunts, poorly timed jokes, or failing to produce just the right amount of gifts or sentiment.  
If you overspent or overthought your lover’s gift, it could cause some awkwardness during the gift exchange and start a long war of spending too much on each other’s gifts in the hopes of coming out on top. If you underspent or went too impersonal on their gifts, you could seem like you had just grabbed something last minute, like they meant just as much to you as that secret Santa you’d gotten at work.  
After over a decade of on-and-off relationships, Jack was not prepared to gift shop for his five rich soulmates. He was afraid to even discuss things with them. There was no doubt that they would try to help him, that they wouldn't be upset about him asking, but it was tiring sometimes trying to find his place in their family. Between his occasional foray into being their driver for heists, trying to learn crew politics, navigating their habits and sensitive topics, and just trying to keep up when they slipped up into inside jobs, Jack was tired of asking questions. He didn't want to spend his whole life being dragged along by the others and making them always be the ones to carve out a spot for him in their world.  
At the same time, as he sat back in the bath and lazily scrolled through shopping websites, he had no idea what to expect for their first Christmas.  
He knew at least that they all celebrated it, even if none of them had stepped into a church for decades unless it was for an event (or a tour of a historical church in Europe). Gavin was intent on having Christmas Eve off to put the tree up at the very last minute like the silly little Brit he was, but beyond that Jack had no ideas of what they did. He wasn't even sure what kind of tree they would get. He could see them pulling out a gorgeous fake tree just as much as he could see them putting up this ugly Tinsel monstrosity that glowed from the inside and spun faster than a tree from a Doctor Who special. He could also see them all going out to buy a real tree and getting into stupid little arguments over what tree is best. He could see two trees going up, which might be needed anyways with the sheer number of them exchanging gifts.  
Jack didn't own a stocking, but he wasn't sure if they would want him to get stuff for theirs. With how they all shared toiletries, disagreed over scents, and had expensive tastes, he couldn't see running to the nearest Walmart as a way to get little things for their stockings.  
He sighed, putting the phone down on the counter and just sank into the heat of the bath, unsurprised when the door creaked open a few moments later.  
Geoff smiled at him lazily, dressed in a combination of soft sleek lounge pants and a cheap oversized shirt with a faded game logo on the front. His mustache was waxed and Jack almost wanted to pull the older man into the water to test it.  
“When you’re done trying to turn into a wrinkly Loofah we’re gunna hold a heist meeting,” Geoff said, wandering towards the far counter where Jack's clean clothes were waiting.  
Jack chuckled, “I'll need to get dressed to attend the meeting.”  
“Nah, it's just us,” Geoff said, “going naked would just increase our morale. But I won't touch your clothes.”  
“Really?” Jack rose, pulling the drain as he stepped out and wrapped a towel around his hips.  
“Really,” Geoff stepped over to grip Jack’s soft hips and lean in for a kiss. “I've got better uses for my hands if I want to be late.”  
Jack kissed him back eagerly, hands roving over the other man in an attempt to ferret out any stolen clothes. “Like drawing out plans I imagine.”  
“Oh good you agree,” His mouth moved down to kiss at an old hickey on Jack’s chest. “Come on out then. I'll get the meeting room ready.” Geoff sauntered off, and Jack was not surprised to step over and see his boxers were missing.  
He pulled on his sweater and socks, leaving the towel on for modesty and heading out to the meeting room.  
His soulmates were the only ones inside, all sitting around a map and arguing over what way to lay it. Gavin had a sharpie at the ready, and someone had decorated little lego figurines to look like them. Jack reached for his own, surprised to see a santa hat on it. “What are you all planning?”  
“No,” Ray said, dipping a finger under Jack’s towel and tugging playfully. “The question is what are you wearing?”  
“Geoff stole my clothes.” The man shrugged, adjusting his makeshift skirt to make sure it stayed in place. “I improvised.”  
“Nice kilt.” Ryan grinned.  
“Are you wearing anything beneath it?” Their residential Brit reached over as if to peak.  
“Ask Geoff,” Jack replied, taking a seat to protect his modesty. “Now what are you all planning?”  
The others all paused, exchanging glances. A silent argument began with only facial expressions, and for some reason it fell to their mustached leader to tell him. Geoff cleared his throat, then sidestepped around the table to force his way onto Jack’s lap. “Have I ever mentioned how sexy I find Santa suits?”  
“No,” Jack said. “Whatever it is, no, I’m not doing it.”  
“It’ll just be a little bit of charity work,” Geoff said innocently. “There's a local mall that needs a santa for photos and stuff. Theres hundreds of kids that want to see santa.”  
He shook his head. “I don’t look like Santa, I’m not near old enough and my hair isn’t white.”  
“We could dye it,” Gavin said. “Dye your beard too.”  
Jack rubbed at his rapidly recovering beard. He was well past the awkward patchy hipster/hobo phase, but he had only just gotten back to some of his former glory.  
“I’d rather shave myself bald,” He deadpanned.  
“Don’t you dare.” Gavin reached over to cover his beard with his hands, as if rasers would appear to shave Jack if he wasn’t on guard.  
“He’s going bald anyways.” Michael laughed, running his hands along the top of Jack’s head.  
“Still saying no,” Jack repeated, though he wasn’t complaining at all of the touching that was going on.  
‘What if Gavin dressed up as Mrs Claus for you?” Geoff said. “Or an elf.”  
“Michael would be Mrs Claus,” Jack said. “Hes got the soft cheeks and curls.”  
“Shut up.” The redhead tugged at his hair. “You saying I look like a Grandma?”  
“Just as much as I look like a Grandpa.”  
“Hey. The dad bod is in vogue,” Ray said. “Gavin would be Rudolf though.”  
Geoff cackled. “If that nose lit up, Santa would go blind.”  
“Anyways,” Jack said. “I’m sure if I worded it as a dare, Michael would dress up as a sexy Mrs Claus for free.”  
“Do it for the kids then?” Geoff said.  
“You mean like little Ulysses Grant?” He wasn’t falling for their BS for a moment. This was all in the name of a heist and that meant that Geoff and Gavin had probably come up with this part just as an elaborate way to get Jack in a silly outfit.  
“You could take the earnings and toss it to an orphanage or something.” Ryan pointed out. “Make some kids happy on Christmas.”  
Jack hated the idea still. “For how long will I have to be a mall santa?”  
“Three weeks.”  
“No.”  
“Jack.” Gavin whined, “Please? You should hear the plan. It’ll be amazing. Dan is coming up to help us blow things up.” The blonde gave him a pleading look, looking more constipated than pathetic.  
“Fine,” Jack gave in, pulling his dumb soulmate in for a kiss. “If I do this, it’ll be as a christmas gift for you all and my cuts going to charity.”  
“Deal.” Geoff purred, stealing his next kiss. His hands wandered back down to the towel but Jack caught them.  
“Let’s start planning then.” Ray perked up, pulling out what had to be the blueprints of a local mall. “First of all, code names?”  
“I think we should be reindeer,” Gavin said. “Like Dasher and Dancer and Prancer…”  
“You don’t remember the rest do you?” Michael snorted.  
“I vote be be Santa’s ‘Ho’s.” Ray said. “Like Garden Ho, Streetwalkin’ Ho, Dirty Ho, Cheatin’ Ho, Ho No….”  
“Christmas stripper names? Like Candii Cane, Tinsel Balls, Mistle Ho, Randy Reindeer, Frosty the Ho Man…” Geoff was a little too good at it, making Jack believe he had already been researching Christmas Strippers at one time or another. “Ginger Cookie.”  
“Let’s go over the plan.” Jack laughed, finally nudging Geoff and the others away. “Business first and then we can talk about the fact you all seem to want to be on Santa’s naughty list.”  
“Ooo,” Gavin said, using his fake sexy voice. “I wanna be on the naughty list. What happens to bad boys on the naughty list?”  
“Failed expectations and disappointment mostly,” Jack said. “Some coal.”  
“We’re going to hit the Able Villa Mall.” Geoff brought their attention to the floor plans. “It’s a high end shopping mall specializing in designer clothes for the whole family, high end toys, and ridiculously expensive gadgets.”  
“It’s where Gavin gets his stupid little gizmos and cameras,” Michael pitched in.  
“There’s a full bank inside the mall and it's been praised for its security and vigilance. Places like that must go through millions of dollars of cash on a daily basis as christmas approaches and they’re a little to confident that we could never crack their security.”  
“This is something personal, isn't it?” Jack asked. “I mean, you're talking about running a three week operation, for a target that's nice but is probably just as good as any other.”  
“You got it.” Ryan nodded. “Someone bet Geoff we couldn't do it.”  
“A bet?” He shifted in his seat. “Why am I surprised?”  
“Anyways,” Geoff said, “the mall Santa is going to be set up right here.” He took Jack's Lego and staged it on the blueprints, almost facing the bank. “We put you here, put a camera in your clothes, then use the info to figure out what's the best time to hit.”  
“What happens then?” Jack asked.  
“We get the money and run. You will evacuate the mall and meet us here. You’ll be using a fake name to get the job and with any luck they’ll assume you just were spooked by the robbery.”  
“It'll be the night before Christmas Eve.” Gavin grinned. “So all of us and Dan can then relax the next day and just enjoy the holiday.”  
“We’ll need to have another holiday afterwards,” Geoff said. “Spend a week alone without anyone else around. Maybe make our own nudist colony.”  
“I’d prefer to spend the time wearin’ whatever you get me for Christmas.” Ray joked.  
“And Jack’s sweaters.” Michael added.  
Jack couldn’t help but remember the last time the redhead had been caught in one of his thick flannel shirts, wearing little else with the buttons left undone.  
“Or just a week of video games and sweatpants.” Ray grinned. “Holiday pjs for everyone?”  
“That sounds amazing too.” Gavin said.  
“I'll buy a few dozen cases of beer, Mountain Dew, junk food and weed.” Geoff laughed. “Ray, Michael, you're in charge of games, Ryan can figure out the best way to get us all playing together.”  
“What should I do?” Jack asked with an excited grin.  
“You'll be busy as Santa,” Geoff said, “maybe make sure you’ve got a lot of warm pjs in stock.”  
“How many pairs for everyone?” Jack asked.  
“No. You buy yourself pjs and we’ll steal them,” Geoff said with a grin.  
“I’m not going to buy myself a few dozen sets of pyjamas,” He laughed, though he knew another blush was on his face, betraying him a little. He would have never expected the clothing kink they all seemed to have, but it did make something inside him melt to see them using his things to make them feel as comfortable as possible. He’d buy them all some pyjama, but he’d also get some pairs for “himself”, knowing his would be used more even if he didn’t stock up.

His relationship with his soulmates couldn’t be better  
But then came the hair bleach.  
He grimaced a little, glad they were only bleaching his hair. His beard and eyebrows would be painted white every morning using theatrical makeup, which wouldn’t be perfect, but would let him keep his beard. It was Gavin and Ryan doing his hair, Gavin having the most experience with bleach and Ryan there to make sure the brit didn’t fumble and burn Jack’s head.  
It turned out that bleach wasn’t fun. His scalp felt tight, and the smell was terrible.  
Still, it seemed like Gavin was having fun, the man occasionally laughing as he slowly stripped Jack’s hair of all its color.  
Jack was left with the whitest of white hair, contrasting terribly against his beard. Ryan was quick to whip out the pot of hair paint, carefully combing it into his eyebrows and his last bit of dignity, his beard.  
Gavin was laughing his ass off when they finished, and Jack only had the chance to raise an eyebrow before Ryan was swapping his glasses for thin gold frames and putting a santa hat on his head. “Perfect.”  
The others slowly drifted in, each drawn in by the sound of Gavin’s laughter. The other lads laughed, Ray sneaking a quick photo.  
Geoff’s reaction was the best though, their fearless leader climbing onto Jack’s lap and kissing him playfully. “Hey Santa, I’ve been a naughty, naughty boy.”  
Jack shoved him away, but was laughing just as hard as the others.  
It seemed the christmas heist was going to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes accidentally got deleted off the last chapter. Not much to say though, other than to mention briefly that I've got a few holiday themed ficlets coming out before Christmas and that I loves you all, even the lurkers and the newcomers.  
> Much love goes to my beta Kayasaurus.

It turned out being a mall santa was not a glamourous job.  
It almost made him miss being a barista.  
At least at the cafe he knew exactly what it was whenever he had a sticky residue on his hands, at least at the cafe it wasn't a constant line up of screaming brats in front of him.  
To be fair though, at the cafe the line up had been full of screaming adults, the worst offenders sounding just as shrill as the 4 year olds that wanted Legos. Many of the older kids reached up to tug at his beard to test its authenticity. Many of the younger kids just sat on his lap, utterly petrified of the man who supposedly watched them whenever they slept and broke into their house on a yearly basis to judge their soul.  
The kids were honestly cute though and he found himself genuinely smiling more often than not, especially at one point when a little toddler dressed up just like him was placed in his lap and the little boy garbled up to him in earnest excitement, knit beard muffling his nonsense words.  
“You're a young Santa,” His assistant, Jeremy, laughed when they went on break. The man was still mostly an enigma to Jack, though he seemed loyal to a fault and terribly friendly. “It's crazy how good you pull it off even without the wrinkles.”  
“Thanks,” Jack said. “I don't think the kids notice it much anyways. When you’re 6 I'm sure people in their thirties are still considered ancient creatures.”  
“One of them asked why I was so tall,” The short man laughed. “It was the first time I’d ever been asked that. I had no idea what to say.”  
That had honestly made Jack laugh, “we should get Matt to help too. He could tell the kids he's actually a yeti or something.”  
“Or Jesus.”

It was a relief when the day ended, and Jack had barely stepped into the apartment before he made a beeline for the showers.  
It felt great to wash off the sweat and paint and pull on just a pair of his loosest light lounge pants and a thin white undershirt. It was only 5 pm but he barely made it to the couch to curl up and wish he had a blanket.  
“How was it?” Michael appeared from the meeting room, a few smudges of marker ink on his fingertips.  
“I'll survive,” Jack said, closing his eyes and letting out a happy murmur when the other climbed onto the couch and somehow wiggled in close enough to be the big spoon. Michael was just a solid line of warmth against Jack’s back.  
“If it's going to exhaust you, we could change the plan.” The redhead kissed his cheek. “It's not worth it.”  
“No. It was fun in some strange way.” Jack smiled, closing his eyes and just enjoying the closeness. He could smell Michael’s cologne, though the other man always applied it sparsely. “Some of those kids were adorable.”  
“Have you ever wanted kids?” Michael asked.  
“No.” Jack shook his head. “Well, it's not that I don't like the idea of having them. I just never gave it much thought. I knew I was going to have five soulmates, so beyond meeting them and guessing what they’d be like, I never fantasized a future for myself.”  
Michael let out a little noise and Jack could practically feel the frown aimed at the back of his head. For a moment, he wondered if his soulmate wanted kids, before Michael spoke and let him know what the real issue was. “I'm sorry we were idiots before. We should have never let you leave.”  
Jack sighed, then started to sit up a little, turning to face the redhead. He reached out, touching his soft face and feeling the sharp cheekbone against his thumb. “Hey, I love you. It's no one’s fault that I left, especially not yours.”  
Michael turned his head to kiss Jack’s wrist. “I never said it was anyone's fault. I'm just wishing that we had fixed things sooner. You should never be alone. None of us should. We’re family.”  
“And ohana means no one gets left behind,” Ray pitched in, leaning over the back of the couch to kiss Jack’s cheek.  
“Hey asshole, we were having a touching moment here.” Michael laughed, relaxing a little and moving to kiss them both. “No quoting Disney movies. I might have been trying my best to get in his pants.”  
“Be our guest.” Ray gave him a cocky grin. “Can you feel the love tonight?”  
“I just can't wait.” Jack couldn't help but add.  
Michael snorted, but still kissed them both again, hauling Ray down to land in a sprawl on their laps, mostly on Jack so that Michael could pin him down in a kiss.

The next day was more of the same loud children and sticky hands grabbing at his beard. He kept a little pot of the paint with him for when he had to wash up, but Jeremy was getting good at stopping kids from doing it by pointing out it was naughty to pull someone's hair.  
That didn't stop some of the biggest brats from getting a quick tug.  
The day itself was made easier since Jack had gotten used to the whole Santa shtick, and by the end of it he was feeling good about his little “ho ho ho” laughs.  
It felt even better to come home to find Ray and Michael dressed as slutty Mrs. Claus and Gavin dressed in only a red ribbon, tied up like a present.  
And it was nice to have a job to go to everyday, having a reason to interact with more than his immediate family. It was even nicer to come home at the end of the day, especially when Geoff would greet him with a strong drink and a shared shower.  
Ryan was the only one not having fun exploring a Santa kink, the man preferring to make moves only when it was calm and intimate, and more often than not when it was dark.  
Honestly, Jack knew Ryan was a little upset by something though he wasn't sure what. He was waiting for the other man to be ready to tell him what was wrong, though he knew he wasn’t angry with any of them. He just seemed a little distant and upset.

It was the second week when Jack had a photo taken with two little girls and glanced up to see a familiar looking man.  
It took him a second to realize it was the Risemonger.  
The Risemonger grinned a little wider when his eyes met Jack’s, his stupidly floppy hair held back with a tacky hat. Jeremy shot Jack an unsure look, but both were too invested in their cover to be able to protest when the man came over and just sat himself down in Jack’s lap, smiling towards the camera. “I never expected to see you here, Jack.”  
“I’m sorry,” Jack tried weakly. “I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.”  
“Maybe.” He kissed Jack’s cheek for the last photo, and Jeremy practically choked on air. “How much is it to get reprinting rights for these photos?” The gang leader asked as he rose  
“They aren’t considered professional photos, so you can copy them at will,” The short man said, the printer behind him already buzzing with activity.  
“Thanks Santa,” Jon said as he passed Jeremy a $100 bill and grabbed the photos. “This is exactly what I wanted for christmas.”

When Jack went on break, he was honestly surprised to see how many texts he had gotten. He grabbed a bottle of water, sat at the lone table in the meagre side room, and sat down to read all the individual messages he had gotten.

_Joel: Can jews sit on santa’s lap._   
_James: Hey big boy, are you available for private functions. The privates would be mine._   
_Bruce: Any MILFs give you their number yet?_   
_Geoff: Jack why does Risemonger have a photo of him sitting in your lap? Hes sending it to everyone._   
_Spoole: Jack, you should take it easy. You’re turning gray. （⌒▽⌒）_   
_Gus: Nice._   
_Michael: Want me to come make sure no one else comes to visit?_   
_Gav: Jack, did anyone notice you and Risemonger? Did security notice him?_   
_Peake: I just wanted to say it was cool that you’re being santa for the kids._   
_Lawrence: Did you honestly bleach your beard for a heist?_   
_Adam: I hate you right now. James is teaching Joel christmas carols._   
_Ray: Can you grab some ammo for my sniper for me on way home? Jere knows what one to grab._   
_Geoff; Be careful. Joel H. was just sighted in town with Ellis._   
_Ryan: I'm coming to pick you up from work._   
_Ray:nvm. Vav got them for me._

He couldn't help but snort before responding to most of them. Jeremy was on the phone when he returned, but it sounded like it was just Matt on the other end.  
By the time the break ended, Jack got another two texts.  
_Ray: I think we’ll have milk and cookies for you when you get home. The milk will be my jizz_  
 _Joel: come visit us in that outfit soon, I think I wanna serenade you._  
 _Gav: be careful. Weirdos are in town. Xx_  
 _Michael: Ryan will get you today. Let Jeremy take your car._

The rest of his shift was normal and calm, unless you counted screaming children and temper tantrums as points against ‘calm’.  
Jeremy kept a level head throughout it all, successfully convinced a child he wasn't a tall elf but a short yeti, had been hit on by three moms, a grandma, and a dad, and had given Jack major bicep envy.  
Still, it was a relief to leave, Jack even going so far as to change and try and wash up a bit. A knit beanie covered his hair, and with the dye washed out of his beard and eyebrows, and with a flannel shirt and leather jacket on, Jack looked like a normal human being again.  
Ryan met him in the parking lot, perched on a bike.  
The man’s face softened a little at the sight of Jack and he made an aborted attempt to reach for him before just passing him a helmet. “Come on.”  
Jack shoved it on over his hat before climbing on behind Ryan. He gripped Ryan instead of the handles, glad for the excuse to plaster himself against the other gent’s back.  
Ryan took him straight home, not bothering with a scenic route or with streetlights. The bearded man frowned at the move, having wanted to enjoy the drive, but Ryan was quick pull off their helmets and pull Jack off the bike for a kiss.  
Jack melted into the touch, glad for the quick moment of privacy.  
Ryan had run his hands up to the beanie, and he kept them clasped over the bottom of it, where the white hair peaked out.  
“You don't like my hair.” Jack realized with a chuckle.  
“I don't like you looking older than you are,” Ryan confessed, before hauling Jack towards the elevator. It was obvious he didn't want to talk about it, and Jack let it drop only because it was a conversation all six of them should have.  
Geoff had been conscripted into the ridiculous Christmas outfit brigade, it seemed, since he greeted them dressed in a tall colourful hat and a matching uniform, a plastic musket in his hands. “Jack.” He kissed him softly. “You’re already changed.”  
“At the end of this all, I'm going to burn that suit.”  
“Keep the hat.” Geoff advised.  
“No,” Jack said, laughing. “I can put up with this Santa fetish for a few weeks but after that you’ll have to stick to stealing my clothes and voyeurism as your fetishes.”  
“I'm not a voyeur.” Geoff pulled Ryan in for a kiss. “Tell him I'm not a voyeur.”  
“He's not, he likes to watch and touch,” Ryan said, “He likes helping take you all apart.”  
Jack swallowed hard, knowing personally what that was like.  
It was no surprise when they ended up sprawled out on the floor, naked besides their hats and Ryan's socks.

The next day, the first ones in line were a familiar pair of crime lord boyfriends, though they weren't Jack’s. Caboose was dressed warmly, with a black knit sweater, but his hat was gaudy and looked like it had once been an ugly Christmas sweater before being upcycled.  
Adam wore an ugly red Santa hat, the front fringe bedazzled to say “merry Xmas” with reindeer antlers sticking out of it with Christmas lights wrapped around them. The lights flashed.  
Despite their terrible hat choices, Jack had to admit they looked much better than they had when he had last seen them. Joel had filled in just a little, still a little thin, but he looked like he had slept sometime in the last few weeks and his smile had a genuine look to it, despite its mania.  
Adam looked a little too amused, his face showing no sign of the beating Michael had given it before. He even had a new nose ring in, this one with less exposed parts to get caught on things.  
“Hello.” Joel chuckled at the sight of him. Jeremy was already trying to sneakily send a text to Jack’s soulmates, but it was obvious the other two were there to be harmless annoyances.  
Jack just went to sit on his seat, raising an eyebrow at them. “My, aren’t you getting a little old for this, young man.”  
Joel just chuckled, coming over to perch on Jack’s knee. “Can I just say that this is a good look for you. You could do this as a real professional for movies or something.”  
“What would you like for christmas this year?” Jack just responded with his scripted lines, hoping to get the awkward encounter over with.  
“I’d like for the price of gold to rise again, and for good returns,” The older man told him seriously.  
“I can’t help with that,” Jack said, but couldn’t help but laugh as well.  
Caboose nodded, posed for one shot, then bounced to his feet. “Go on Adam,” He called. “His lap is warm.”  
“You made that sound extra creepy,” Adam said, but still came over to perch on Jack’s leg. “Hi.”  
“Hi.” Jack smiled. “Wanna ask Santa for advice on your investments?”  
“No. I get enough of that from him.” He settled a little bit, relaxing. “You can't give me what I want for Christmas but it's fine cause I know I'm getting it anyways.”  
“That's good.” Jack paused to smile for the photos. “Now buzz off. I’m trying to go undercover here.”  
They left, but as Jack glanced over towards the bank, he saw what had to be a security guard by the door, watching Jack.  
He had a feeling something was going to go wrong, but he wasn't sure what it was or why. The guard was watching him, but it was probably because it was too early in the day and in December for the mall to be too busy.  
Still, he continued the heist with a sense of foreboding.  
He should have ended the heist then and there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and to Kayasaurus for beta-ing.
> 
> Lets Heist.

New cameras were installed into his outfit the next day.  
He wasn’t sure how many there were, especially since they had carefully sewn the electronics in so that they were hidden in the padding of the trim.  
“There’s two mics and two speakers here, and here,” Gavin motioned to the side of the hat. “I tried to put them as close to your ears as possible, but we can’t use the speakers to talk to you unless it’s a last resort. Anyone around would hear it, even if they couldn’t make out the words.”  
“Alright. How would the mic work?”  
“It's going to be on 24-7 actually,” Gavin’s smile turned a little amused. “We couldn’t get the cameras to work wirelessly, so we won’t have a video feed, but we’ll be able to listen in. Jeremy will have two of our normal radios stashed in his pockets, but we decided to keep a closer eye on you since Joel was jackass enough to mail off christmas cards to everyone.”  
“I’m surprised you haven’t had more visitors,” Ray said.  
Geoff snorted. “I think Burnie sent out a message reminding everyone that it's against the rules to knowingly interfere with another crew’s job.”  
“Hell yeah,” Michael said. “He should have also pointed out that we’re assholes and would kill them.”  
“So I’m going to have to bring my hat home everyday, right?” Jack asked, “So you can grab the footage?”  
“Actually, we’re hoping you can forget it on your chair tonight,” Gavin said. “I want a look at the night security.”  
The fake mall santa nodded, glancing at them all as he shifted in his seat. “It’ll be nice knowing you guys will be listening in the whole time.”  
“It’ll be nice for us too,” Geoff said with a smile. “I’m surprised none of us have snapped yet and hauled you away. It's strange for you to be gone all day.”  
“It shouldn’t be strange,” Jack laughed, even though he knew they were just being honest. “If we were normal people we would all be working different shifts.”  
“That would be horrible,” Gavin said. “Coming home just to see people getting ready to go or people asleep.”  
“I don’t know, I’ve come home before to you all napping.” Jack pointed out.  
“You joined us,” Michael scoffed. “”You’re always ready to nap.”  
“That's true.” He grinned and winked, reaching out to grab Michael’s hip and squeeze it. “In fact, I’d be ready to nap right now if you wanted.”  
“I’ll pass.” Michael tried to wiggle free but only succeeded since Ray let out a dramatic noise and dove in to steal Jack’s affections. The youngest’s enthusiasm was their undoing, since he pounced on Jack a little too hard and sent him crashing into Gavin.  
Jack was a few minutes late for work and he tried not to touch the barely covered bruises on his neck, knowing he could lose his job if the parents noticed santa had gotten frisky.

The next few weeks were crazy busy, with the crowds picking up as Christmas neared. Jack had to constantly be getting photos with kids, with few of them getting time to really ask questions or share much with him. The highlight of his days though were the rare times the other’s murmured to him, or during breaks when he checked his phone and saw little texts on his phone. They were constantly monitoring him, and while it should have felt invasive, it just made him feel a little more secure. Despite its mediocrity, he was there as an undercover criminal, and at any time he could be discovered. The security guards of the bank tended to watch him a lot, but he told himself it was just because there was little else to really watch in the mall.  
The others took turns listening into his audio feeds, while Gavin focused on reviewing the video footage. They all had their own ways of keeping him company, with their own quirks and different senses of humor.  
Geoff tended to send him dick jokes or comment on how spoiled the kids were. He sometimes would turn on the mic just long enough to snicker into Jack’s ear whenever things were peaceful.  
Gavin tended to text commentary on the differences in American toys and names from what he had grown up. The only time he had ever used the mic was to whisper a little “Yes!” when a kid asked for a sonic screwdriver for Christmas. Jack had chuckled at the noise, wondering if Gavin watched the show or was just trying to support his fellow British nerds.  
Ray was shameless about using the mic and was not trusted alone with it. He would murmur little words of approval whenever Jack would encounter a pokefan, or any other nerdiness besides Minecraft or My little Pony. Ray seemed to hate the last two.  
Ryan would just text him stupid facts or updates about what was happening at home. The only indications Jack had that he actually listened was when he would send little quotes from movies relating to the gifts the kids asked for.  
When a kid asked for a bb gun, Jack was rewarded with a photo of someone recreating the sexy leg lamp, complete with pumps.  
Jack didn’t want to know who the model had been.  
Finally, there was Michael, who just grumbled whenever a parent got a little flirty, or whenever Jack let out a tired sigh.  
Christmas was not coming soon enough.  
Gus came on the 19th, the hispanic man clearly a little drunk, but just sober enough to be ignored by security. He had waited patiently in line, never acted like he recognized Jack, and asked for a new liver for christmas before stumbling away with his pictures.

Ryan had been weird from the start, though he grew a little less weird as Jack’s roots began to show. Jack waited until he had a day off, before dragging them all into the living room for a quick talk. He had done his best to wash away the white from his beard completely and to tuck his hair into a hat, dressing in a graphic t-shirt with his marks in full view.  
“What's up?” Geoff asked, glancing between Jack and Ryan. The others seemed to have picked up on Ryan’s weird behaviour, but had mostly opted to give him space. Gavin had asked the gent if he was on a murder break or something, since he seemed tense.  
“Ryan,” Jack started, “Are you… Are you that freaked out by seeing me look old?”  
“Oh,” Gavin murmured under his breath. “Is that what it was?”  
“What did you think it was?” Ray asked, the two seemingly oblivious to the fact they had already sidetracked the conversation.  
“Some sort of shame kinking for the santa play,” Gavin said. “I mean, he didn't’ like our three foot candy cane idea.”  
“That's because it wasn’t sanitary and would have made a mess,” Michael hissed.  
“That was the point of it.”  
“It’s… It’s not something I enjoy,” Ryan started haltingly, glancing straight at Jack to make it clear he was talking about the ‘looking old’ part, not the christmas kink. “I know age is not something we could stop, but it’s just wrong to see you look so old.”  
“It’s just dye.” Ray frowned.  
Geoff grunted, but the three older gents hadn’t expected the others to understand.  
They all had decades ahead of them, but there was a finality to aging. You slowly lost a little of your vigor, a little of your strength, year by year. The lads were all around a decade younger than the gents, and Jack knew the difference between pushing your body too hard when you were in your twenties, and when you did it in your thirties.  
Honestly, he sometimes wondered if there was a retirement for any of them anyways. It was more likely they would go down in a blaze of glory and the very idea terrified him, if only because he knew that someone would be left behind. Even the thought of losing one of them was enough to make him feel sick to his stomach, but the idea of losing more than one of them, or being the last one alive, was enough to cripple him with fear.  
“We’re probably not going to all grow old,” Ray finally pointed out. “I mean… Jack might.”  
“No I won’t,” He said, throat tight. “Not alone.”  
“But we’ll be lucky to see white hair. We’ll be lucky if we get the chance to age.”  
“And if we do?” Ryan frowned, “How is it a victory, when we will just then get to see time take us instead.”  
“I don’t see it like that,” Geoff said. “I don’t see it like any of that.” He stood, shedding his shirt with a flourish and revealing his arm. He lifted it up, showing the heavily tattooed patch over his marks. “These are going to fade, you know. They’re going to fade one day, and your marks will show through, bit by bit. One day, we’ll all be crotchety, horny old men, fighting over the last of our supply of viagra and seeing how much of a nuisance we can be before someone tells us off. Before that, we’ll have a few decades of showing all the new young gangsters how it's really done. We might be able to pull off the ‘gentleman's’ vibe then, looking distinguished from age. But for now we’re going to be young and stupid and do as we want.”  
“Geoff…” Ryan shook his head, seemingly unable to speak. He looked like he would be crying if he knew how to.  
“We’re family.” Geoff pulled him in, “It doesn’t matter how long we have together, or the quality of that time, what matters is what we are.” He kissed him sweetly, and Jack wished his body would work so he could join them.  
“I’d rather have five minutes with you guys than a lifetime alone,” He finally managed to murmur. “And if we end up growing old together, that would just be perfect.”  
“Rye….” Gavin finally went to join the two entwined gents while Michael and Ray moved closer to Jack.

Dan arrived during Jack’s shift.  
The only sign Jack had that the brit arrived fine was a quick text from Gavin which had told him ‘ _B is here_ ’.  
Jack hadn’t ever had the chance to really talk to Dan before, not even on the phone. Gavin had always been too excited and loud, needing to tell his best friend everything they had recently done and check up on his old cat. They were all mostly estranged from their families, not wanting to drag them into it all, so Dan would be the closest thing to meeting a sibling of one of his soulmates. Jack was nervous about it all, but tried to stay optimistic. He knew Gavin loved him, and that had to mean something to Dan.  
And now he was going to stay with them for a few days, even helping them with the heist

Jack told himself not to be happy when his journey to the car was interrupted by the sight of a familiar mustang. Jeremy tensed from his position beside Jack, but the mall santa just laughed, especially as Joel Rubin peaked out of the back in a knit hanukkah sweater. “Get in loser.”  
“Jack-”  
“It's fine. I’ll go with them,” Jack laughed. “They’re harmless.”  
“I wouldn’t go that far.” Bruce pouted, before reaching over to open up the passenger side door for Jack. “But we’ll bring him home before it's dark outside and treat him like a real lady.”  
“If he goes missing it was all their idea,” Spoole told Jeremy in a serious voice from the backseat. “I just came along because they have apple juice boxes.”  
“Who the hell do you hangout with, Jack?” Jeremy asked, completely flabbergasted, “wait, what did you just say?”  
“Wait-” Spoole started, but as Jack shut the door, Bruce peeled out, Joel letting out an undignified laugh.  
“Wait,” Spoole said, “Go back. I think he was-”  
“Oh, relax,” Joel said. “He’s not going anywhere.”  
Spoole still glanced back nervously. “We’re not staying long though.”  
“Get his number off Jack then.”  
“Jack.” Geoff’s voice came from his hat. “Where are you?”  
Funhaus fell silent for a moment before Bruce let out an undignified snort. “You have a radio in your hat?”  
“Yeah.” Jack grinned.”Sorry, Geoff. It looks like Funhaus are in town. I'll be home in a little bit.”  
“You’d better,” Geoff said. “We’re having a halo drinking night.”  
“That's every night with you,” Jack laughed, then lowered his voice. “Don't worry, I won't be out long.”  
The older man let out a little mumbled noise of assent then hung up.  
Jack pulled off his hat finally, lowering the sun visor to scrub uselessly at his beard. “Any chance you guys can bring me somewhere I can clean up before bringing me home?”  
“Oh, got special plans with your harem?” Joel asked.  
“I'm going to meet an “in law” today,” Jack said. “Not sure if I want them to see me like this.”  
“Who was the elf?” The thin man asked, leaning back in his seat.  
“You mean Jeremy?” Jack couldn't get a good look at Spoole, since the man was shrunk down in his seat a little, only his Duff hat visible. “Spoole… What was that earlier?”  
“Well, I, uhh…” He squirmed a little.  
“That my dear friend was the start of spring for our dear child.” Bruce smirked, headed for the edge of town. Jack already knew they'd head for their old apartments, since Gavin had told him Heyman still owned them and had left the largest unit unrented.  
“I thought you were all widowers,” Jack said before realizing that it had been a terrible thing to say.  
Joel sighed, and Bruce’s hands tightened on his steering wheel. “We are. Spoole lost his first soulmate.”  
“We thought it would happen,” The shy man murmured softly, as if to reassure them. “She only had one mark, I had two.”  
“So you and Jeremy…?” Jack was a little shocked, before reaching for his pockets. “Let me get you his number. You'll like him.”  
“I already got it.” Spoole passed Jack’s phone back up to the front. “Thanks.”  
“Ooh… Looking through his phone? How many dick pics where there?”

It was nice to hang out with his old coworkers for a bit, the eight of them shooting the shit and sharing a nice bottle of spiced rum. Spoole remained sober, officially citing his role as designated driver as his reason but everyone loudly protested it had more to do with his new soulmate and flirty texting.  
With how brightly Spoole was flushing, Jack knew he would have a fun morning the next day teasing Jeremy about it all.  
He was unfortunately still sober when he left the motel, but he had at least been able to wash up and dress in normal clothes as he got ready to face his family.  
It turned out not everyone had been fine with Jack spending time with Funhaus.  
Michael was down by the front entrance waiting for him. Spoole hadn't even pulled up to the curb when they heard Michael let out an impatient “finally” though the mic as Jack climbed out.  
Spoole gave him a weirded out look and Jack just shrugged before waving goodbye and heading for the pouting redhead.  
“Hey.”  
“Hey.” Michael greeted him with a kiss, but thankfully didn't say anything too asshole-ish even as he seemed to be hip deep in disapproval of Jack’s evening. His nose wrinkled as he pulled away. “You smell like hotel shampoo.”  
“I showered over there,” Jack murmured back. “Didn't want to meet Dan while I was dressed like Santa.”  
“You should have told me,” Michael said, grabbing Jack’s hand as he led him towards the elevator. “I could have brought you stuff.”  
Jack wondered suddenly at Michael’s mood, before they reached the flat and Jack felt the first flickers of irrational jealousy.  
Dan was just like his pictures, all boyish and scruffy, wearing a polo with the collar a little wonky, so that Jack wasn’t sure if it had been popped before or just never properly folded down. He had a lazy smile on his face, but his hands were full of Gavin, their lover wrapped around Dan and looking up at him like he was the best thing he had ever seen.  
It took a fair amount of self control to just go up to them, a friendly smile on his face as he met Gavin’s best friend and hoped to god that the others had the same self restraint until they got used to their Gavin being wrapped up in another’s arms. It felt stupid and wrong to be jealous and Jack never wanted to be the man who got angry at his lover for hanging out with their friends (especially since he had just been off with seven of them with no notice) but there was something about Gavin and Dan that rubbed him the wrong way. And it sucked feeling that way when a big part of him just wanted to grab onto Gavin and never let the other Brit near him ever again.  
Ray seemed fine with it all, grinning and relaxed just off to the side, and Geoff mostly amused by Michael and Ryan’s brooding. Ryan had to have known Dan for years, but he still seemed unimpressed by the intrusion.  
Michael just looked like he wanted to throw a tantrum and beat someone up.  
“Its nice to meet you.” Jack managed a good, level voice. “I’m Jack.”  
“Dan.” The man nodded at him. “Its great to meet you finally. B told me so much about you.”  
And they settled in for a weird night of video games and drinking, no one bringing up how uncomfortable the whole thing was, even after they went to the privacy of their room.  
Jack felt uneasy about it all, especially as they went over the heist one last time.  
Something had to go wrong. He felt it in his gut. There would be some major fuck up the next day and the heist would go wrong.  
He was right.

On the day of the heist, the mall was madness.  
There were people everywhere, between the procrastinators, the forgetful, and the few poor souls who were there to shop for normal things. Photos with Santa had actually calmed a little, since the parents couldn’t use the photos for christmas cards when it was already so late.  
Jack honestly was sick of it all, and was glad that it would all end that day. Jeremy was a ball of energy, trying to disguise his excitement or his glances at the clock.  
At 10:45 am, the heist began.  
Jack had the best seat in the house for some of it, though he tried not to be obvious about watching the various teams get started. He could practically hear Geoff’s voice echoing in his ear from when the other gent had gone over the plan in the meeting room.  
_**10:45 am is the best time to strike, since it is before the second guard is posted, but still before the morning visit from the armoured car. As a lucky bonus, our favourite guard will be on that day if there are no changes to the regular schedule.**_  
Their ‘favourite’ guard was working. The man was just as terrifying looking as the others, with a built body beneath the armored uniform, and he was dead serious.  
The man had an easily identified flaw however.  
**_If he’s at the door, then our lives get easy. This man is more interested in drama than a gay man in a broadway production, and just as easily entertained. So Michael and I can give him a show._**  
Geoff and Michael were walking together in the center of the mall, a bag in Geoff’s hands. Michael looked like a woman from afar, but Jack had left too early in the morning to see the redhead’s disguise properly. They had started off in a hushed conversation, but Geoff’s voice was getting progressively louder.  
“I can’t believe you watched it without me! That was something we were going to do together.”  
Michael shook his head. “Come on, babe, it was just a few episodes.”  
“YOU JUST SAID YOU FINISHED SEASON 10.”  
“So? I can watch it again. I mean, it was good. There’s an episode about them appearing on a gameshow-”  
“AGAIN WITH THE SPOILERS. It's bad enough you ruined the red wedding-”  
_**He should be too distracted to notice when Dan, Ray, and Gavin enter the bank. Dan and Ray will set the charges just under the cameras, while Gavin will act like he doesn’t know any of us. He’ll go up posing as a rich tourist, ask if they can exchange some British pounds for him. If they can’t, get directions to the nearest bank that can. Waste time. We want you to still be there when the heist really begins.**_  
He had seen them all entering the bank, but it was hard to tell if everything was going to plan. He had to commend their disguises though, a combination of shaving, fake facial hair, dye, glasses, contacts, and just fashion making them all look different from usual. He especially had enjoyed Gavin’s disguise, since his white coat almost looked like a lab coat and his fake glasses completed the nerdy look.  
Dan looked like Bob Ross.  
The next thing Jack was able to notice was when Ryan finally arrived, the man carefully avoiding the view of the security cameras, face painted slightly different so he didn’t stand out as badly as usual. He was nearly to the bank before he pulled his signature mask out of a shopping bag and he struck fast, slamming his fist into the neck of the guard and taking him down just as explosions shook the mall.  
_**Ryan will disable the guard while Dan makes the cameras explode. Pull out your guns, pull out your scariest mother fucking acts, and Michael and I will join you in robbing the fuck out of the place.**_  
They had known which of the bank employees had access to the vault, and if they refused, Dan could easily burst through the vaults, though it would take more time.  
It was more likely that they would just be able to collect the cash directly from the bank.  
Jack didn’t have time to watch anymore, a fire alarm having gone off within the mall. The whole place erupted into chaos, people rushing for the doors and fleeing.  
Jack and Jeremy abandoned their posts as the families all fled. It was impressive how quickly the hallways filled with fleeing shoppers. Still, with the chaos of it all, they weren’t able to reach the doors before being pushed off by the crowds into a small handbag store. The wailing of police sirens was exploding in the distance.  
_**We won’t have such poor taste as to end any lives so close to Christmas. And for that, Gavin will be our meal ticket out. He’ll serve as a hostage, and with him as a meat shield, the police won’t fire.**_  
They finally made their way out to the van, Jack taking the passenger seat.  
“GO!” Geoff’s voice exploded over the com, as Jeremy started the car.  
“Geoff?” Jack stiffened as they looped around to the door, waiting for the others. “Whats up?”  
“Nothing. Change of plans,” Geoff hissed. “Jeremy, get Jack out of here”  
“Can do boss,” Jeremy said, pulling out the the parking lot without hesitation.  
“Wait. What?” Jack said, half tempted to do something stupid like dive out of the vehicle. “Geoff-”  
“Ray accidentally called Gavvers by his name,” Geoff said, voice sounding too calm. “It’s fine, Jack, we’re not too compromised, just enough for us to want you out of here.”  
“I could help. Let me drive. I could drive us out of anything.”  
“I know. Just not today,” Geoff said. “We’re taking the other car. Don’t worry. We’ll meet up with you-”  
The feed cut off, and Jack cursed, turning to Jeremy. “We have to go back.”  
The shorter man shook his head. “If I took you back towards that they’d all kill me. Things will be fine. They’re all professionals.”  
“They’re my soulmates,” Jack said. “Wouldn’t you want to go back if it was Spoole?”  
Jeremy flushed at the name, but still swore, beating his fist against the dashboard once. “I fucking hate your logic sometimes, radio the others.” He did a u-turn, heading back towards the mall.  
“Geoff,” Jack said. “Guys, we’re coming back, where should we-”  
There was the crash of glass and metal and Jack was only aware of being jerked to the side, his head crashing into the window beside him.

_**After the heist, we’ll all drive to the safehouse together, and just enjoy some time alone.** _

It was cold when Jack woke up.  
He felt disoriented and a little nauseous, but it was nothing compared to how chilled his body was His feet were bare on cold concrete, and the backs of his knees were pressed to the cold metal of a chair. His bare back and arms were also pressed to the chair, pinned down by tight ropes.  
He groaned, right side feeling like one big bruise from the crash, and skull pounding with what could honestly be a concussion. Jack tried his best to become alert, knowing waking up tied, naked to a chair could never be the start of anything fun.  
The only thought that came to his mind when he opened his eyes and just saw darkness was a little relief.  
Darkness meant this was not a regular interrogation cell. Darkness meant that this was probably going to be something more brutal and less legal.  
The police didn’t have him. He was in danger, yes, and he knew he had to prepare himself for the worst. But the police didn’t have him, and so this was somewhere the Fake AH-ers could attack without getting permission first from RT.  
He smiled in the dark, trying not to think about the fact he did not know where he was and he did not know if he would survive the wait for rescue.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much thanks to Kayasaurus for beta-ing this story.
> 
> So this is the end of Eggnog. I'm starting to drift away from this AU now so I'm not sure if there will be much else uploaded.  
> Thanks so much for reading and feel free to leave comments on how badly I've done this :D

The first thing he checked for when they turned on the lights were his clothes.  
He obviously had been stripped down to just his boxers (and he tried not to enjoy the fact he had at least been wearing new candy cane print ones) but he could see his uniform sitting over to the side in a box, his hat near the top and looking unaltered.  
With any luck, the radio inside was still going.  
His captor was a regular goon, big and muscular with arms that would give Jeremy a complex. Jack had regained most of his wits by then, but he was not looking forward to learning what the other man had planned.  
“Good evening,” The stranger said calmly, “you must be Jack. It's a pleasure to meet you.”  
A shiver traveled up Jack’s spine, but he just nodded, “It's a pleasure. Do you have a name?”  
“No,” The man said. “For the purpose of this… Interrogation I am not any person. I am just a manifestation of the interest of certain parties.”  
“Certain parties being gangs or being banks?” Either way, this couldn't be legal, but he had to fish for information for his mates to hear.  
“Mostly banks.” A heavy hand landed on Jack’s shoulders. “Though I have to say, your men have caused many people trouble.”  
“My men?” The bearded man rose an eyebrow, a little bewildered by the wording.  
“We know you are the real power behind the Fake AH crew. You are the biggest mystery, and yet now we have you.” There was a loud noise outside the door, but the other man didn't react, keeping his back turned as men dressed in black began to bring in large objects. There was a barrel of water, a large water bottle meant to be on a water canteen, a funnel, towels, and an empty bucket.  
“I don't know what you're talking about,” Jack repeated.  
“Oh, it's amazing how much evidence there is for you,” The other man started slowly. “Just a mention here and there before, then suddenly you were getting code names, most with Jack in them. It's how I knew your name.”  
“Only one of them had Jack in them,” The man protested, cold and confused.  
“Puff pastry, Red Santa , Jack Hoff, Jack Frost, Flapjack, Union Jack, Jackknife, Jack Rabbit, Jumpin Jack, The Flash, Monterey, Hagrid, Farmer Beard, Taco Beard, AppleJack, Taco Jack, Wheeljack, Crackerjack, Lumberjack, Blackjack, Beardo, Jack o’ lantern…” the man rattled off, and Jack only knew a few. Whoever had been feeding his captors information had to have lied to them, or at least embellished to make a bigger effect.  
“I'd check your sources if I were you,” Jack said softly.  
“Ah. But now you’ll be our source.” The man grinned. “Let's have a little fun.”  
A pit began to form in the bottom of Jack’s stomach, but he did not protest or beg. This was going to happen regardless of what he did, and he would never tell this man anything about his lovers.

There were too many ways to torture a man using water alone.  
This man seemed intent on trying them all.

He knew there was a chance he was going to drown right there.  
It was hard not to think the worst, when he was cold and he was wet and his stomach was still convulsing, still trying to reject the gallons of water they had forced down his throat.  
Jack was still trying to stay strong, knowing the others would come and knowing that whoever had him was after intel. They were trying to break him.  
But as his head was held under the water for the tenth time, it was easy to think for a moment that the others would come too late.  
He felt his world start to narrow in, body already going numb and his ears roaring even as his head was already kept well underwater. His stomach began to rebel again, and he found himself vomiting again, precious air escaping as he gagged.  
He struggled anew, but his arms and legs were still bound, and even with adrenaline spiking in his veins, the stranger was just too strong.  
And then, just as he grew tired and limp, his torturer seemed to disappear.  
Warm hands grabbed his shoulders, pulling him out of the water.  
Jack shivered, wanting to struggle but not having the will to fight anymore. He collapsed to the ground, nearly taking the barrel with him as he groaned.  
“Jack,” Geoff murmured furiously, his hands running along the sides of his face. “Oh god…. Jack….”  
He forced himself to open his eyes, relieved to see Geoff and Ray crouched in front of him, the body of his assailant slumped beside the door.  
“Hey….” He managed to murmur, still trying to suck in enough air.  
They both moved closer, warm hands rubbing along his bare skin as they tried to check him for injuries. Ray moved to cut his bindings. If he had the chance, he would be pulling them close, but instead he just tried to curl up, nauseous and oxygen starved and shaken.  
“I know you should try to stay hydrated, but you might’ve taken it too far,” Ray joked weakly, hands trembling a little as they rubbed his back.  
“They weren’t supposed to get you,” Geoff just murmured nonsensically. “You were never supposed to be tortured.”  
“M’ okay,” Jack groaned.  
“Let’s get him dressed,” Ray said. “It’s cold.” Soft lips brushed Jack’s head before he pulled away to the old Santa uniform.  
Jack felt better as they helped him dress, though they left the Santa jacket open, letting Ray slip in beneath the thick fabric to hold Jack carefully. “You’re okay, right?”  
“Yeah…” Jack felt a few tinges of pain from the crash, his right side still sore and bruised, but he could feel Ray’s breath through his shirt, he could feel Geoff’s hands lingering on his shoulders. “I love you,” He whispered, glad to have the chance to say it again. He would say it over and over again, especially once they were all together again at home.  
“We love you too,” Geoff said, voice sounding too low. “Come on, let’s get you to a doctor.” He reached out, and Ray shifted, both hauling Jack to his feet. He couldn’t stand, legs feeling weak and boneless as they both tucked themselves under his arms and simply dragged him out.  
The hallway outside was terrifyingly normal, almost looking like a school corridor. There was one other open room, with Adam Kovic standing between it and the rest of the building, looking tense. “Jack, you okay?”  
“I need a nap,” He managed to joke weakly. “A nap and some advil.”  
“Well, I’m sure they’ll find something for you.” He glanced at the open door. “Looks like Jeremy will be fine too.”  
“Jack,” Gavin hissed from down the hall, before making his way towards them. He stopped a good foot short, uncharacteristically careful as he reached for Jack, running his fingers through his hair. “What did they do to you?” He murmured, sounding just as wrecked as the others.  
The bearded man just shook his head, then turned to kiss Gavin’s wrist. “I’m okay. We’re okay. It’s just a bit of water.”  
Gavin let out a little sad noise, but pulled away. “Let’s get him to the truck. He’s freezing.”  
It was a long walk, but near the end Jack was able to shuffle along with them, helping them a little as they carried him to safety. At one point, he could feel an explosion shake the ground, but none of them seemed to notice but Gavin, who’s lips curled up a little in a weak smile.  
The hallway led to a grand foyer, filled with bodies and a pissed off lookin pair of Joels, Adam Ellis standing just to the side and speaking quietly into a radio.  
“Jack.” Joel Rubin nodded at them with a playful grin. “You know, you could’ve just hosted a Christmas party. You didn’t have to do all this just to give us all a reason to hang out.”  
Heyman laughed a little darkly. “And look at all the red decorations.”  
The walls looked a little festive since they were practically painted red with blood.  
Geoff tensed, but Jack managed to react first, chuckling. “Tis the season.” Honestly, it was all too sickening for him, especially as his stomach churned, but the last thing he needed was to see them all fighting.  
Gavin glanced at Geoff and Ray, then led them outside.  
A few trucks and a moving van were waiting, manned only by Matt Peake and one of RT’s doctors. They both stiffened a little at the sight of Jack, but he was soon being nudged into the back of the van, where an impromptu clinic had been set up. Inside was warm, hot air coming from heaters along the walls of the tiny room.  
“Water torture?” The doctor frowned, noticing his appearance. “Did they use a funnel?”  
“Yeah.” Jack nodded, relieved as they helped him sit on the cot. It was good to rest again. “I still feel sick.”  
“You’ll need diuretics,” She said, going to check his pulse.  
“We’ll be close by,” Geoff said, voice tight. “Gavin, stay here with him.”  
Gavin nodded, and Geoff and Ray left.

The doctor insisted on Jack going to their home clinic, needing to ensure he wouldn’t suffer from dilutional hyponatremia. He threw up again, and had a few shaky moments, but as soon as the drugs hit his system he was getting rid of the excess water the more natural way.  
Gavin had been supportive, even holding his hand while he had been sick. The brit had gagged plenty at the sound, but had never vomited. Instead he just stayed pale and a little sickly looking as he squeezed Jack’s hand.  
“You okay now?” He asked, a half hour after the start of Jack’s frequent bathroom visits.  
Jack just nodded, pausing to kiss Gavin’s forehead.

Michael and Ryan were fresh from the fight when they came to see Jack.  
At first Jack had nearly panicked, seeing the amount of blood on his lovers’ skin, but Michael only had a few bruises and Ryan was completely undamaged. Both greeted him with quick soft touches, though Michael wrapped himself around Jack as soon as he was sure he was only bruised.  
“They went easy on you,” Ryan said, a little relieved as he watched Jack sink into Michael’s grip.  
“No.” Geoff shook his head. They used water.”  
Michael scowled against the skin of Jack’s throat, but didn't speak, only momentarily flexing his muscles as if getting ready to hurt someone.  
“Jack should never have been taken,” Ryan said softly. “He isn't supposed to be involved this deeply.  
“I am though,” The bearded man said reassuringly, enjoying the heat of Michael’s arms and the little huffs of breath against his skin. “I am always going to be. It's alright.”  
“It's not alright,” Ray protested.  
“I'm not leaving,” Jack said firmly, “and we’re not retiring. So what we need to do is make sure that when things happen we’re there to save each other.”  
“We should be there to keep you safe to begin with,” Geoff hissed. “We-”  
“Stop saying that,” Jack said. “Stop trying to blame yourselves. They had information about us. It wasn't all right but they were going to catch one of use eventually.”  
“It was right,” Gavin admitted softly.  
“Could you hear it?” Jack shook his head. “He had a list of code names a mile long for me.”  
“We gave you code names from the start.” Ray shrugged. “Even when you were gone… It didn't feel right unless we had a code name for you every heist.”  
And that piece of news hit Jack like a freight train.  
“You gave me code names even after I left?” Jack felt numbed again, even as Michael’s body heat soaked through his clothes. He swallowed hard, always feeling like his body felt too tight whenever he thought back to those years alone, but it grew worse with the idea that they had so actively left a place for him. Even when he had left them, even after he had rejected the idea of being part of the crew and had never seemed like he could have kept up, they had included him as part of the crew.  
The others were quiet, looking either sheepish or a little too down.  
“So you actually called me Puff Pastry?” Jack remembered the code name with a little laugh, trying desperately to get rid of the melancholy that was overtaking them all. “In some way where someone actually took note of it.”  
“We did it twice,” Gavin admitted.  
“It's because of your cream filling,” Ryan purred, winking beneath his mask.  
“And your soft, fluffy exterior.” A certain Puerto Rican added as he went to join Michael in hugging Jack.  
Jack held them close amid his chuckles, glad to be safe with his family again.

Christmas Eve was spent with drinks, games, and a healthy pile of cookies, Jack wedged on the couch between Ray and Ryan. He couldn’t drink, but they had him on some drugs that made him a little loopy. Outside was beautiful, with only a light frost covering the ground and windows, and as the sun set, the apartment only seemed cozier.  
As it grew later, Dan was the first to rise from the couch, abandoning his post beside his best friend to go change into a set of sweatpants and a faded shirt that was so old it was impossible to tell what had once been on it (though it almost looked like a newspaper clipping from an alien movie).  
They all kinda gave into the lure of pyjamas after that, Geoff and Jack going first so that Jack could change in relative peace and have first choice for pyjamas. The oldest man looked tense whenever his eyes landed on the bruises marring half of Jack’s body, but his eyes always ended up back on The bearded man’s face.  
“I love you,” Geoff had murmured as he helped Jack into a cotton shirt.  
“I love you too.” Jack smiled.  
It was a little tiring to go back to the couch, but Ryan was already waiting for them there, and if Jack wasn't so eager to cuddle back into his skull faced boyfriend he would ask him if his dad jeans were comfortable due to the lack in fit. Vagabond was warm and solid beside him, an arm going around to wrap around Jack’s shoulder as Geoff stole what had been Ray’s spot.  
“B, those really don't fit you.” Dan had laughed when Gavin came out, red flannel pants sagging down.  
“Yes they do,” Gavin had protested, trying to tighten up the already tightened draw cord, fabric already bunched up a little too much at the waist.  
“You lot are terrible.” The explosives expert only grew more amused as Ray came out looking even more dwarfed in Jack’s favourite hoodie. “Why isn't he wearing your stuff then? You are obviously big weirdos about it.”  
“He's the biggest,” Michael said, tone unbearably fond as he looked at Jack. It made Jack shift into the couch a little more, about embarrassed even as it made him happy.  
“That's stupid.” Dan glanced over at the gents, eyes scanning Jack. “His head and feet can't be that much bigger.”  
The lads had frozen at the revelation, then Gavin took off with a warrior cry towards the hallway closet, Ray and Michael right behind him.  
Geoff chortled, only growing more amused as they could hear Gavin let out little bird like noises as the three scrapped over who could lend Jack a hat or socks or whatever they were thinking of. Dan just looked fond, and as he passed Jack a controller and fired up a game, Jack couldn't help but feel fond as well, even as Michael appeared with a knit beanie and warm socks and tried to force them on Jack before Ray or Gavin could get there.  
And while the other two weren't moving much, Jack could already tell Geoff would be trying to lend him ties or something soon and Ryan would have hats or face paint or something. Jack would wear whatever they wanted, so long as he never had to wear an itchy Santa suit ever again.

When Dan left, there may have been a few days where all Jack was allowed to wear was things belonging to the others. But that is another story.


End file.
